My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
