Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
