So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
