she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
