Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
