She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
