if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
