Well douche your snatch and let's go!
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
