the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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