im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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