put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He did a backflip because drugs
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