I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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