Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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