I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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