I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
