8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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