watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
