What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
