Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
