duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize