I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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