i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
