At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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