She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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