I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
