You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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