just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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