I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
