she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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