I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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