Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
