You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
