If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
