fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
ttyl tear gas
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
