Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
