I like my sex mixed with concussions.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
