Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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