I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
