Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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