I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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