swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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