so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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