I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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