Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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