Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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