Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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