dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
