I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
