Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
