he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
