Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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