We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
