Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
