GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There's always time for handjobs
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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