Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
