Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
