and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
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