I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
